By Chloe Zhou ’28, Humor Editor

News Announcer on TV:
I am standing on the steps of Newark Academy, watching as students pile in, eager for their first day. School is finally back in session, and the “school subjects” are ecstatic—finally, they’re being learned again. But what were these “school subjects” doing all summer while children soaked up the sun, you might wonder? After an intensive interview of all the school subjects, it turns out that they were enhancing their dating skills on Academic Tinder! Look through the following dating profiles and see if any catch your eye.

Math

(Image courtesy of Freepik)

• Age: ∞
• Bio: Looking for someone who counts. I’m currently plotting our future on a coordinate plane. I’m not mean, just above average.
• Hobbies: Sudoku, Rubik’s cubes, and solving all your problems.
• Red Flags: Saying “I’m never using this in real life.”

English

(Image courtesy of Freepik)

• Age: Born before spelling was invented.
• Bio: I invented the silent “k.” A big fan of poetry, symbolism, and novels. Poetic, dramatic, and fluent in Shakespeare. I will overthink and overanalyze every text you send. I also text with perfect grammar and punctuation. I don’t support the “informal and uneducated.”
• Hobbies: Writing five-paragraph essays due the next day.
• Red Flags: Not knowing the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

Science

(Image courtesy of Freepik)

• Age: Constantly evolving.
• Bio: It’s not rocket science. I’m into finding chemistry and looking for someone who sparks a reaction.
• Hobbies: Watching Bill Nye, blowing stuff up, and defying gravity.
• Red Flags: The absence of safety goggles.

Foreign Language

(Image courtesy of Freepik)

• Age: Varies by region
• Bio: Trilingual. Romance is just another language I’ve mastered. Learning me takes time, but I promise I’m worth the effort. I’ve always had a thing for accents.
• Hobbies: Traveling abroad, conjugating verbs, and confusing students.
• Red Flags: Google Translate sweats.

Physical Education

(Image courtesy of Freepik)

• Age: Only 20 reps in…
• Bio: I’m all about team spirit, motivation, and playing made-up gym class games. I don’t believe in working out the details, just constantly stepping forward. I don’t squat around when it comes to fun.
• Hobbies: Catching up to people who run from me, core workouts, and The Olympics.
• Red Flags: If you skip warm-ups, we’re definitely not cooling down together.

History

(Image courtesy of Freepik)

• Age: Older than fossils
• Bio: I never forget anything. Ever. I’m still holding grudges from 9000 B.C.E.
• Hobbies: Learning from my past mistakes, revolutions, and maps.
• Red Flags: Saying “the past has nothing to do with now.”

Art

(Image courtesy of Freepik)

• Age: I was born in a cave.
• Bio: You’ve probably seen me hanging around… in museums, galleries, and your dreams. An abstract, emotional mess that’ll constantly draw you in. I appreciate the finer lines in life and creating frame-worthy connections.
• Hobbies: Being framed for things — and looking amazing while doing it. Currently getting a PhD in Being Misunderstood. Starry Night strolls.
• Red Flags: Bananas duct-taped to walls.