By Tucker Iverson ’12, Humor Editor

Name: Harry James Potter

Birth Date: July 21, 1990

Height: 6’ 1”

Ethnicity: Half-Blood

Occupation: Professional Wizard

Relationship Status: In a relationship with my best friend’s sister (the bro code is only for muggles)

Education:  Hogwarts Drop Out

Nicknames: The Chosen One, The Boy Who Lived

Hobbies: Killing Voldemort, Riding Broomsticks, Jay Chilling at the Three Broomsticks

Body Type: Let’s just say that a Centaur’s upper half ain’t got nothin on me

Eye/Hair Color: Green Eyes, Untidy Black Hair

Do you drink:  Yes, Butterbeer and firewhiskey.

Favorite Movie: The Notebook

Languages: Snake, English

Something you may not know about me:  I am an avid theater-goer, and I make a mean strawberry shortcake.

Three for Dinner: Albus Dumbledore, My Father, and Mickey Mantle.

Favorite food: Tiramisu.

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Name: Mr. Bitler

Birth Date:  Unknown

Height: 5’14” (HA! That isn’t physically possible)

Ethnicity: Bitler

Occupation: Physics Teacher (zehr cool!)

Relationship Status: Married

Education: Yes, I am in favor of it.

Nicknames:  Das Bitler, The Hunter, another which I cannot disclose here…

Hobbies: Frisbee, Physics

Body Type: Think Matthew McConaughey but with glasses

Eye/Hair Color: Think Matthew McConaughey but with white hair and green eyes

Favorite Movie: The Notebook

Languages: French, English, Physics

Pets I have: A Komodo dragon

Person I most admire: Rumplestiltskin

Something you may not know about me: My age

Three for Dinner: Tucker Iverson, Greg Ruda, and Mr. Bitler

Favorite food: A small salad, a plate of forbidden wild rice with Fijian beef jus, and 3 tendrils of asparagus.

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Name: Count Dracula

Birth Date: October 31^st, 1253

About Me: I am a human.  I sleep in bed, like you humans do.  I cannot change into a bat.  I like the sun.  I am tan.

Height: About the size of a bat, or sometimes 5’10”

Ethnicity:  Very dark tan

Occupation: Entrepreneur

Relationship Status: Single

Education:  I am well educated in human things such as riding on cars and drinking “piña coladas”

Nicknames:  Lord of the Undead, The Count, Snooki

Hobbies: Living in my big mansion, sleeping in a normal person bed, not using wooden stakes

Body Type: Think Edward, but really old and without the shiny skin

Eye/Hair Color: Red eyes, slicked jet black hair

Do you Drink?: Yes.  How did you know I am a vampire?

Favorite Movie: The Notebook

Languages: Cthulu, Romanian, Transylvannian, English (Cockney)

Person I most admire: Karl Landsteiner (the guy discovered blood types)

Pets I have: Bats.  Lots of bats.

Something you may not know about me:  My first name is Steve.

Three for Dinner:  Someone with Type-O blood, a large helping of mashed potatoes, and a side of blood sausage.