By Chris Paolini ’13 and Joe DeNoon ’13, Staff Writers

Nessie Admits Plastic Surgery

Many of you have been wondering whether Nessie, the famed monster of the deep, has become a famous actor.  Yes, Nessie is in fact Leonardo DiCaprio, whose name is an anagram for the famed beast.  As you can see by the following equation, it’s math so it must be true.

“Leonardo DiCaprio Is The Mango Sarsassparilla”= “Loch Ness Monster… addiaprioiseangoarasparilla”

See? We told you so..

Nessie, or Leo as he is now called, says he went through the surgery to counteract rumors of his eviction from residence in the toilet of Scotland.  Nessie now has a successful career in Hollywood, and is enjoying his new life, fishing and pretending to be a log.

Hidden collection of Used ChapSticks Found

Due to a growing complaint among the populace of America, the United States Department of Moisturization funded a project to find where all of the used ChapSticks end up. They have found that many of the used and unfinished tubes end up in in the southern tip of North America, where they are subsequently buried and lost.

On a separate note, it seems that a cowhand, dubbed the “Chapstick Fairy” by the authorities in the Texas region, has gone insane over hydration of the lips, and stolen every single ChapStick he could find.  Why he just didn’t buy new ones has yet to be found…

The “Funner” Table

In a recent study conducted by Boston State, sociologists have proven that, yes, the table next to you is indeed having a better time than you are. This fact has been long suspected by the so-called “Silent Majority” whose dinners are usually “calm” and “peaceful” and they are often seen longing for a chance to sit at what they believe to be the party table. This stunning fact has caused uproar in the scientific world. Anthropologist Toby Ornottoby has challenged this new theory, citing the fact the there will always be a next table, so an endless upward climb of fun tables would never end.  The B.S. research team has countered, stating that a restaurant offers a limited number of seats.