By Alex Liao ’13, Staff Writer and Greg Ruda ’13, Humor Editor

We begin with Tucker Iverson.  Although many would argue that his controversial introduction was the only semi-entertaining aspect of Panic Switch’s morning meeting last June (which is now available on DVD for 14.96 + S&H.   But wait! There is more! If you call 973-647-5001* in the next ten minutes, you can get an exclusive, free Panic Switch T shirt from Limited Too, AND a copy of “Panic Switch: Live at Funplex”) Tucker brought to light the issues that were slowly corroding the bonds that held the band together.  Actually, there was only one issue…their haircuts.  Instead of chopping off their luscious locks, they chose to disband.  Now we move unto the group’s sensual singer, Alex Liao…

Alex Liao, the front man whose silky voice and even silkier hair brought women and men alike to their knees, was largely responsible for the destruction of the band.  It all began when he decided guitars were too mainstream, and he pressured guitarist Greg Ruda to exchange his “axe” for a keytar.  Eventually, creative differences caused him to leave the band, and follow his dream of being the first Asian rapper.

After Alex’s irrational demands, Greg was never the same.  He delved deeper and deeper into the dangerous lifestyle of a lax bro.  He constantly referenced his “lax lettuce”, “flow”, and “twig”.  When discussing Greg’s dark phase, Tucker Iverson said,’’ I felt like I didn’t even know him.  I invited him to my uncle’s wedding, and he showed up in a lax pinny and wouldn’t shut up about how deep his pocket was.”

All of this paled into comparison with bassist Sam “Charley” Wohlforth’s emergence as a radical anti-conformist.  Sam preached that the best way to stick it to commercial society was to go onstage and not play anything.  Therefore, the band wouldn’t be conforming.  The next day Sam was asked to take an indefinite leave of absence from Panic Switch.

Former Bassists Cody Reid-Dodick, Charley Wallach, and Emily Tross (who was solely in the band for her musical abilities, whereas Charley was recruited exclusively for his good looks) collectively sued Panic Switch, on the basis of creative rights—claiming they were integral in the creation of many legendary Panic Switch Songs.  The suit was soon dropped when it was discovered they had no influence on the songs (As you can clearly infer by the titles of the songs, drummer Dillon Denehy was the sole composer).

Although Dillon wanted to continue Panic Switch, there was an overwhelming public outcry for Panic Switch to end, as no one wanted to hear the seemingly inevitable May morning meeting performance.  Thus, the band of brothers disbanded –  each going their separate ways.

Alex Liao is currently the only Asian rapper in the Northeast, and is struggling to gain mainstream success.

Greg Ruda has taken a high school assistant lacrosse job in Pennsylvania, while also being a McDonald’s employee in Florham Park.  He claims he works at McDonalds for fun, and is not doing it for the money.

Sam Wohlforth is on the run from the FBI for his radical conformist ideas.

And last but certainly not least, Dillon has retired in North Carolina where he enjoys gardening, long walks on the beach, and his pet ferret Sylvester.

Panic Switch’s  legacy lives on through the Panic Switch Fan Club (Led by Mike Alelov, and Mike Colliza).  This club is very popular in countries such as Bangladesh and the Philippines, with an average member age of 41.

Panic Switch will live forever on in the hearts of many, and in Arky’s musical selections.  Next Tuesday morning, the aching melody of their most beautiful songs will be played for the listening enjoyment of the auditorium.

* By the way, that number is Alex’s Liao’s number, he is currently single…. AGAIN… Man this kid really can’t hold down a relationship…  Anyways… seriously call Alex Liao he is desperate for company