Author: jlawler11
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Censorship My Pants
By Jack Breene ’11, Staff Writer, and Jack Lawler’ 11, Humor Editor Lately, a lot of you have probably been wondering a few things: How will Obama’s health care plan go over? Is Jack Breene seeing anyone? With the Humor editors being so hilarious, why doesn’t their work always live up to expectations? Well, maybe…
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Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Play OfficeWorld
By Andrew Morrison ’11, Humor Editor (level 28), with contributions from Adam Hyatt ’11, (level 26). 1) You get the wonderful feeling of having a job without ever getting paid. 2) Friend us, and we will clean your office for brownies and team points. 3) It will keep you away from stalking people. 4) SEND…
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Senior Superlatives
By Jack and Jack Humor Attack, Jack Breene ’11, Staff Writer and Jack Lawler ’11, Humor Editor Once a year, the senior class gets the opportunity to reflect on and anonymously judge their peers. This time of year, filled with joy, shattered egos and tax returns, can make or break the rest of a senior’s…
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The Real Student Proposals: What People Wanted to Say But Didn’t
By Tucker Iverson ’12, Staff Writer, with contributions from Steven Uberoi ’12 Open Campus. Instead of the lame, barely audible bell, we should have Morgan Freeman’s voice reading us what class we have next. Individually. We should have an open campus. A complimentary Parlin vest upon graduation. Getting a muffin that hasn’t been coughed on…
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Beloved Childhood Hero Arrested for Animal Testing
By Chris Paolini ’13 and Joe DeNoon ’13, Staff Writers On the second Sunday of January, January 21st, Steve, who plays a popular role in the hit cartoon show “Blue’s Clues” and also models part time for Calvin Klein Green Collection, was taken into custody by the Australian Secret Service, Kangaroo Division. The authorities located…
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NewarkAcademyDictionary.com
By Jack Lawler ’11 and Andrew Morrison ’11, Humor Editors, with contributions from Steven Uberoi ’12. Global Speaker Series (n): A place where people (especially middle schoolers) can ask questions that have already been answered. Example: Middle School English Teacher: The alphabet goes as follows: A, B, C, D. . . Middle Schooler: What comes…
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Administrators Arrested for Role in Illegal Backpack Cartel Operation
By Jack Breene ’11, Staff Writer and Jack Lawler ’11, Humor Editor After returning from a break filled with non-denominational holiday cheer, the students of Newark Academy were shocked to hear Upper School Principal, Dr. D, announce a new rule change: all unattended backpacks would be confiscated and locked in a cold, dark closet. When pressed…
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Top Ten Ways to React to a Present You Don’t Like
By Jack Breene ’11 and David Webster ’11, Staff Writers and Jack Lawler ’11, Humor Editor 10. Commit seppuku. 9. Vomit on hair of loved ones. 8. Have a youtube worth freak out moment. 7. Drown your sorrows in eggnog, latkes or Kwanza comfort food, depending on your religious preference. 6. Threaten to join Middle…
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A Dramatic Reading of T.S. Eliot’s “The Wasteland”
Jack Lawler ’11, Humor Editor A Dramatic Reading (Click the link – the lights will dim, allowing yourself to be surrounded by “The Wasteland”)
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Newark Academy Definitions
10. The IB Program (n): 1.) Something that makes you do a ridiculous amount of work for no discernible reason. Example: Guy 1: That dude just made me carry a stack of bananas up 1,000 stairs and feed them to Karl Friedrich Gauss, the prince of mathematics. Guy 2: What an IB Program. 9. One of…