By Lila Rimalovski ’15 and Aditya Srivatsan ’15, Humor Staff Writers Recently, archeologists discovered postcards sent between Lila Rimalovski and Aditya Srivatsan from the summer of 2013. Underneath layers of dirt, socks, and ferns, scientists transcribed the barely legible handwriting onto paper. See below. From: Lila Rimalovski To: Aditya Srivatsan Date: June 19, 2013 Location:…

By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Editor SOCHI, SOVIET UNION – A malfunctioning lighting effect in Friday’s Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics has led to controversial killings by President Valdimir Putin. Suspended above the heads of thousands of spectators at the Fisht Olympic Stadium, five electric rings were supposed to blossom from snowflakes creating the iconic…

By Victoria Molinari ’17 and Olivia Cubbage ’17, Humor Staff Writers   The snow is coming! The snow is coming! In the past few weeks, Mr. Austin has generously provided the Newark Academy students with an abundance of snow days. When walking from class to class, a question frequently heard in the hallways is, “What…

By Noah Sellinger ’16, Humor Staff Writer The following How-To paper is addressed to high schoolers who are struggling to keep up in their classes and middle schoolers who think they are struggling. It is currently 9:42 PM, and this article is due tonight (don’t tell my editors). The only problem is, I am just…

By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Section Editor Tech Booth (n): A place that is ostensibly boring but actually holds parties on a weekly basis. Example: Timothy: Hey, why do you have a beach towel? Nicole: I’m heading to the tech booth! You coming? Silent Zone Infraction (n): the act of breaking a rule that is…

By Lila Rimalovski ’15 and Aditya Srivatsan ’15, Humor Staff Writers The following is an accurate representation of events in Mr. Austin’s house the night before a snow day. For brevity’s sake, “Don” is Mr. Austin, “Von” is Mr. Rollenhagen, and “Peg” is Mrs. Galvin. The evening begins with an authentic French meal (boeuf bourguignon)…

By Sydney Mann ’14, Humor Staff Writer Recently being voted “Biggest Teacher’s Pet,” I have been designated to everything and anything pertaining to the wonderful Newark Academy faculty and staff. So, in appreciation of all the rockin’ teachers out there, I have compiled all of the “What if’s” that I wanted to put into the…

By Erin Mooney ’16, Humor Staff Writer Recently, scholars from all grade levels joined together for the common goal of bettering the institution’s academic and social spheres, leading to a variety of excellent suggestions. Amidst the thoughtful ideas are a few proposals that have not, for some reason, been passed by the administration. Below is…

By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Editor Teachers are composed of two very different elements: the classroom side and the public side. Each is of utmost importance when measuring a teacher’s success in a community. Upon reflecting on my time at the Academy, I’ve come to realize that it is not so much a teacher’s ability…