Category: Humor
-
The Nine Types of Seniors
By a junior who has never been a senior (Lila Rimalovski ’15, Humor Editor) As we tearfully say goodbye to the senior class, the previous Humor Editors have asked me to summarize their legacy at #theacademy. Thus, as un-sarcastically as possible, I am honored to commemorate the Class of 2014 and highlight the amazing work…
-
-
Postcards Found Between Lila Rimalovski and Aditya Srivatsan
By Lila Rimalovski ’15 and Aditya Srivatsan ’15, Humor Staff Writers Recently, archeologists discovered postcards sent between Lila Rimalovski and Aditya Srivatsan from the summer of 2013. Underneath layers of dirt, socks, and ferns, scientists transcribed the barely legible handwriting onto paper. See below. From: Lila Rimalovski To: Aditya Srivatsan Date: June 19, 2013 Location:…
-
Opening Ceremonies at Winter Olympics Lead to Justified Torture
By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Editor SOCHI, SOVIET UNION – A malfunctioning lighting effect in Friday’s Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics has led to controversial killings by President Valdimir Putin. Suspended above the heads of thousands of spectators at the Fisht Olympic Stadium, five electric rings were supposed to blossom from snowflakes creating the iconic…
-
How to Take Advantage of a Snow Day
By Victoria Molinari ’17 and Olivia Cubbage ’17, Humor Staff Writers The snow is coming! The snow is coming! In the past few weeks, Mr. Austin has generously provided the Newark Academy students with an abundance of snow days. When walking from class to class, a question frequently heard in the hallways is, “What…
-
How to Write an Essay the Day It’s Due
By Noah Sellinger ’16, Humor Staff Writer The following How-To paper is addressed to high schoolers who are struggling to keep up in their classes and middle schoolers who think they are struggling. It is currently 9:42 PM, and this article is due tonight (don’t tell my editors). The only problem is, I am just…
-
Newark Academy Dictionary
By Max Whitmore ’14, Humor Section Editor Tech Booth (n): A place that is ostensibly boring but actually holds parties on a weekly basis. Example: Timothy: Hey, why do you have a beach towel? Nicole: I’m heading to the tech booth! You coming? Silent Zone Infraction (n): the act of breaking a rule that is…
-
An Accurate Representation of the Events in Mr. Austin’s House the Night Before a Snow Day
By Lila Rimalovski ’15 and Aditya Srivatsan ’15, Humor Staff Writers The following is an accurate representation of events in Mr. Austin’s house the night before a snow day. For brevity’s sake, “Don” is Mr. Austin, “Von” is Mr. Rollenhagen, and “Peg” is Mrs. Galvin. The evening begins with an authentic French meal (boeuf bourguignon)…
-
Faculty “What if’s”
By Sydney Mann ’14, Humor Staff Writer Recently being voted “Biggest Teacher’s Pet,” I have been designated to everything and anything pertaining to the wonderful Newark Academy faculty and staff. So, in appreciation of all the rockin’ teachers out there, I have compiled all of the “What if’s” that I wanted to put into the…
-
Voice Proposals That Should Have Passed
By Erin Mooney ’16, Humor Staff Writer Recently, scholars from all grade levels joined together for the common goal of bettering the institution’s academic and social spheres, leading to a variety of excellent suggestions. Amidst the thoughtful ideas are a few proposals that have not, for some reason, been passed by the administration. Below is…