Category: Humor
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Frozen Hallways and a Beach: A Newark Academy Tale
By Caspar von Hollen ‘26, Humor Writer Skates similar to these have surpassed Crocs in popularity. (Photo courtesy of Letterman Sports) In a slew of new policies, the Newark Academy administration has announced plans to individually regulate the temperatures of classrooms based on the needs of the class. For example, to increase lab accuracy, chemistry…
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Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow… forever, please!
Skyy Woods ‘26, Humor Writer Newark Academy after a recent snow day Snow days are everyone’s favorite type of day. They are an unexpected gift from Mother Nature: the much-needed rest between winter and spring break. Many people have stated that winter and spring break are too close, and the days leading up to spring…
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“Surviving the High School Jungle: A Comedic Guide to the Halls of Hilarity”
By Gabrielle Beckham ‘27, Humor Writer Newark Academy- Construction, Image courtesy of Gabrielle Beckham Welcome all to the Newark Academy Wildlife Safari. Surviving this jungle will be a wild ride, but fear not, for we’ve got our safari hats, binoculars, and a box of tissues {in case for the chemistry test next period doesn’t go…
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Voice Proposals Having Passed, Students Resort to Complaining to Favorite English Teacher
By Wesley Brock ‘24, Humor Section Editor Image courtesy of Prostock-Studio With nowhere else to air their concerns, students are forced to rely on sympathetic nods from their favorite English teachers. A wise man once said that in life there are only two seasons: the season before Newark Academy School Council voice proposals, and the…
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A Raw and Unfiltered Interview with the Real NA Minuteman
By Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Editor Standing 8 feet tall (or 8 meters for my European crowd), the Newark Academy Minuteman is the tallest student in the building. But what else can he do? Contacting the Minuteman was exceedingly difficult. Luckily, I had some blackmail on Don Austin (his real name is Donald, but you…
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I Uncovered NA’s Real Dress Code
By Caspar von Hollen ‘26, Humor Writer The original dress code was written on a document similar to this. Image courtesy of Dreamstime I was lamenting the amount of history reading I had one night when I googled, “What are the 10 longest books of all time?” I was expecting to see old ones only…
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Newark Academy ID Badges Phased Out In Favor of Chip Inserted in Brain
Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Editor I took this picture. This is my brain. As I entered Newark Academy this morning, I silently wept, as I realized I forgot my ID badge. I must have left it as a bookmark while reading the Newark Academy 2023 Student Handbook (one your best works yet guys!). Not wanting…
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School Council Announces Next Year’s Spirit Week Themes
By Wesley Brock ‘24, Humor Editor 1984 (1984) [BEGIN AUDIO DESCRIPTION] Patriotic music plays. As Newark Academy’s highest, all-powerful authority, the School Council sees all. We rule from the sidelines. Our influence is omnipresent. Nothing slips past our spies. The Newark Academy Honor Council is nothing but a puppet. The teachers, the administration, Sage Dining…
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Philo-Psych Club Trolley Experiment Leaves 5 Students Injured and Many Late
By Molly Breckman ‘23 & Ben Glickman ‘23, Humor Editors, and Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Writer This past Wednesday, Philo-Psych Club held an extended meeting in order to finally solve the infamous trolley problem for good. They used seven students, kidnapping four and including three volunteers who needed community service hours. The students tied six…
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Kid Running Late For Class Wins Athlete of the Week
By: Ben Glickman ‘23, Humor Editor; Molly Breckman ‘23, Humor Editor; with Evan Breckman ‘25 Photographer Recreation of the Run by Anderson ‘23 The world is getting darker and we need a hero. In other news, Jill Anderson ‘23 has been named Newark Academy’s athlete of the week due to her record breaking sprint in…