By Caspar von Hollen ‘26, Humor Writer Skates similar to these have surpassed Crocs in popularity. (Photo courtesy of Letterman Sports) In a slew of new policies, the Newark Academy administration has announced plans to individually regulate the temperatures of classrooms based on the needs of the class. For example, to increase lab accuracy, chemistry…

Skyy Woods ‘26, Humor Writer Newark Academy after a recent snow day  Snow days are everyone’s favorite type of day. They are an unexpected gift from Mother Nature: the much-needed rest between winter and spring break. Many people have stated that winter and spring break are too close, and the days leading up to spring…

By Gabrielle Beckham ‘27, Humor Writer  Newark Academy- Construction, Image courtesy of Gabrielle Beckham Welcome all to the Newark Academy Wildlife Safari. Surviving this jungle will be a wild ride, but fear not, for we’ve got our safari hats, binoculars, and a box of tissues {in case for the chemistry test next period doesn’t go…

By Wesley Brock ‘24, Humor Section Editor Image courtesy of Prostock-Studio With nowhere else to air their concerns, students are forced to rely on sympathetic nods from their favorite English teachers. A wise man once said that in life there are only two seasons: the season before Newark Academy School Council voice proposals, and the…

By Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Editor Standing 8 feet tall (or 8 meters for my European crowd), the Newark Academy Minuteman is the tallest student in the building. But what else can he do? Contacting the Minuteman was exceedingly difficult. Luckily, I had some blackmail on Don Austin (his real name is Donald, but you…

By Caspar von Hollen ‘26, Humor Writer The original dress code was written on a document similar to this. Image courtesy of Dreamstime I was lamenting the amount of history reading I had one night when I googled, “What are the 10 longest books of all time?” I was expecting to see old ones only…

Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Editor I took this picture. This is my brain. As I entered Newark Academy this morning, I silently wept, as I realized I forgot my ID badge. I must have left it as a bookmark while reading the Newark Academy 2023 Student Handbook (one your best works yet guys!). Not wanting…

By Wesley Brock ‘24, Humor Editor 1984 (1984) [BEGIN AUDIO DESCRIPTION] Patriotic music plays. As Newark Academy’s highest, all-powerful authority, the School Council sees all. We rule from the sidelines. Our influence is omnipresent. Nothing slips past our spies. The Newark Academy Honor Council is nothing but a puppet. The teachers, the administration, Sage Dining…

By Molly Breckman ‘23 & Ben Glickman ‘23, Humor Editors, and Evan Breckman ‘25, Humor Writer This past Wednesday, Philo-Psych Club held an extended meeting in order to finally solve the infamous trolley problem for good. They used seven students, kidnapping four and including three volunteers who needed community service hours.  The students tied six…